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February 1st, 2009
09:55 pm
I'm totally convinced it's her and hope to ___ that it is.
Also go see Slumdog Millionaire by the guy that did "trainspotting" and "28 days later"
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April 1st, 2008
November 25th, 2007
02:53 pm
update for the sake of update. My mind is better now than it was but if I'm back here I must be feeling depressed. I will fight with myself about exploring it and knowing what it likely is return to escaping.
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September 16th, 2006
05:50 pm
http://www.cbs.com/innertube/player.php?cat=110976&vid=112480
Smith will be a great show anyway but ep4's the mother fucker to watch.
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August 31st, 2006
02:58 pm - Sexy Sexy Sexy, Pussy Pussy Pussy
Dear Diary,
Sorry to bother you again.
I had sex.
She was so fucking hot I couldn't even think.
It was fun.
That was a week ago.
Since then busy.
Today hike,
yesterday movie,
Sunday Barbecue wit DaNewburns.
Nov 14 Gold.
I won't bother you any more.
Sorry,
Bert.
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June 19th, 2006
02:55 pm
Hypnotised friend the other night. It's fun in other peoples heads. A lot less disturbing and I looked a hell of a lot better through his eyes. Definitley need to read up on the depotentiating sexual stuff though.
If I was more evil I'd make a mint.
But I'm stuck in that strange awkward quazi evil space.
Concern is the enemy of confidence and ego and its that combination of Confidence and Ego to which people are refering when they say ignorance is bliss. If ignorance is bliss why aren't more people happy? It is those with the c and e combo that can be happy where they and ignore anything that doesn't fit. So screw C&F I need to work on my C&E.
Strive towards happiness, not away from pain. The two are very different.
Also I learnt this week of the psychological value of payment. In game there is dhv but just having high value isn't enough, you have to get people to pay to play or else they will take it for granted. If you charge less than you are worth people will treat you like you are worth less. Easy come easy go, thats why no one respects a hoe.
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April 9th, 2006
11:30 am
There was a very cautious man,
he rarely laughed,
he rarely cried,
he never won,
he never tried,
he never laughed,
he never played,
he rarely talked,
was never layed,
and then one day he passed away, his insurance was denied,
they claim because he never lived, he never really died.
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April 7th, 2006
10:49 am
Still breathing, Sybil is almost done so now I'm back to looking for more work and studying After Effects like a bitch. Not much else interesting right now.
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January 30th, 2006
09:15 pm
Tomorrow I will call the girl I met on okCupid, the confused occultist.
In the mean time,
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January 22nd, 2006
08:36 pm
I had a dream about Anna. She was giving off lots of IOIs in a cinema and then in a restaurant even though stuff was still wierd. It was sort of that strange place between accidently running into eachother and feeling like it was all planed out. Like the weird was all in my head but she expected it. therefore I think she is a witch who has put spells and curses all over and around me in an obsesive attempt to make me fall in love with her and come back to her. That sounds reasonable right. Yep, yeah, oh my yes, I sure am mightily making a lot of sense nowadays.
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
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January 19th, 2006
January 17th, 2006
10:06 pm
2206Now watching TV to forget everything and stop myself from thinking about myself which is just to painful.
2217If I won't let myself let myself do things I want to do because I'm worried it will all lead to pain even if I know it won't leave to pain does that make me schizophrenic.
I feel completely abandoned by everything. and everthingone. everysoulonethingitpersonfuck.
2224don't know if I posted about it but also noteworthy, horror films have started to freak me out. saw the Exorcism of Emily Rose...in about 15 instalments. And I still haven't ruled out the possibility of being possesed. 3 years ago I would never have considered it, fucking stupid right, who the fuck even thinks about this shit but fuck it I've run out of idea. There are no fucking explanations for anything. Resolution 1 do anything. That includes exorcisms right? When all else fails?
2257I just went to get a glass of milk and felt the tears coming on again. there is just no reason. no excuse. I just can't get my head around it. Why can't anyone tell me whats wrong with me. How the hell did I turn into such a pussy. Where did my balls go. Is it even anything to do with that. I've never even heard of a women being like this, with her entire family raped and hung by their intestines, on the same day she leant she had cancer, and AIDS, and that she was fat, and that she was bald, and that she was pregnant with a child that would die racked with disease, and that she had been whored out as a child, by her grandmother, for heroin, and that everybody she thought of as a friend had been praying for this to happen to her, and that the god she had been praying to was the wrong one and she was going to hell, and that the real god didn't give a shit about her and got a kick out of fucking her in this way.
2335Point being ...uhh ... shit happens but there is usually an explanation and t'aint no explaining my fucked-uped-ed-ness.
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09:55 pm
i've improved but I'm still less than human. Fuck. Whythe whatthe fuck. have I even improved. Fuck Fuck fuck.
Less than human. I don't even feel. It's too much and I just won't let me do it. I can't do it. I won't let me. No letty meey Ieey. "Just do it they all say. Everyone in time becomes frustrated and says just do it."
So I when to so the thing is that I don't have any friends (deep breaths) so I whent to a pool hall with my aunt and we were there for a bit less than an hour and shot a few game of pool and came back to the house and in the car ride home I was holding back tears and when we got back I said goodnight quickly and came down to my room and locked the door and sobbed uncontrolably for a few painful minutes and managed to patch up the dam and turned off the light which now hurt my eyes and got into bed and and hyperventilated for a good ten minutes and ther is no reason at all for any of it.
this has been the last hour and a half of my life. 10:04pm 1/17/06
Unread and unchecked
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January 13th, 2006
01:27 pm
Finally it has arrived. This is the day. Finally my final and biggest christmas present has arrived. The February Man: Evolving Consciousness and Identity in Hypnotherapy by Milton H. Erickson and Ernest L. Rossi. I believe I now have a lager and more reputable library of books on hypnotherapy and than most hypnotherapists. Which means i rock.
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January 9th, 2006
01:25 pm
I was hypnotised yesterday to complete my training.
Now to gain experience I am offering free hypnotherapy and free hypnosis sesions to Los Angeles, Brentwood and Santa Monica locals.
Disclosure Statement
As required by section 2053.6. (a), of the California Business and Professions Code
Client is advised that:
A) Ukdollars is not a licensed physician
B) Hypnotherapy is alternative or complementary to the healing arts services licensed by the State of California
C) The State of California does not license the practice of Hypnotherapy
Hypnotherapist agrees to provide professional services in accordance with acquired training and experience giving undivided attention during scheduled consultations to facilitate Client's benefits. Hypnotherapist's work is Client-centered. Services provided utilize induction of hypnosis, and methods and principles used to help clients discover their inner creative abilities to develop positive thinking and feeling and to transform undesirable habits and behavior patterns. Therapeutic goals are to achieve freedom from restrictive thought and belief systems, to assist in solving personal problems, developing motivation and achieving goals. Client may be taught the use of self-hypnotic techniques to assist in achieving goals and resolving issues that have been mutually agreed upon by Client and Hypnotherapist.
Hypnosis is not a state of sleep, but is a natural state of mind that can produce extraordinary levels of relaxation of mind, body and emotions. The principles and theories upon which hypnotherapy is based are accessing and utilizing the power of one's inner resources. Hypnosis can transcend the critical, analytical level of mind, and facilitate the acceptance of suggestions, directions and instructions desired by the Client. The therapeutic use of Hypnosis can also elicit information and insights from the inner mind. The hypnotherapist utilizes interviews, discussion and hypnotic methods dealing with underlying issues whenever appropriate, with the goal to achieve effective and lasting results.
I, Ukdollars, have acquired the following education, training, experience, and qualifications to perform the services offered to my Clients:
I have studied numerous demontstrations of hypnosis in educational and theraputic settings.
I have experienced hypnosis and other trances.
I have studied over 100 profesional texts on hypnotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Preograming.
I, the undersigned Client, acknowledge that I have been advised of the foregoing information, and that I have been given a copy of this Disclosure form.
Print Client Name:_______________________________________ Dated:_________________
Client's Signature_______________________________________________________________
The first session is free. Subsequent sessions are done on a donation basis. I retain the right to refuse anyone at any time without reason. All sessions will be recorded and a copy of the session will be made available to the person within 1 hour of the completion of the session. One session should be sufficient with a maximum of five available on request. For further details email Ukdollars@gmail.com
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January 8th, 2006
10:00 pm
filling in a few of the blanks of the resolutions.
6. Get rejected by 300 girls just so that I can't say I didn't try.
9. Fake it till I make it in hypnotherapy.
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January 2nd, 2006
11:26 am
Went into a crazy trance yesterday at yoga. It was at a chanting and puja event and I let my whole body get relaxed. When I sat down I slowly stopped singing and began to feel a force pulling and pushing my forehead around. Pretty interesting. Useless but interesting.
New Years Resolutions:
(In order from will to won’t keep)
1. Try anything (I can afford) to get rid of depression and clear my mind.
2. Help other people to get rid of their depression if I succeed.
4. Finish a book (as opposed to getting halfway through and stopping).
7. Smile and say hi to every cute girl i see.
8. Make friendly eye contact with everyone.
12. Whiten teeth and improve smile.
17. Learn hypnotherapy.
21. Approach, Approach, Approach.
36. 'Make the ho say no'.
38. Follow 3 second rule.
52. Learn to breakdance.
134. Start a new religion.
154. Stop watching TV (I'm actually watching TV as I write this).
155. Stop eating sugar (that one lasted ten minutes and then I was offered cake).
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December 22nd, 2005
10:24 am
About seven days ago I was hit with a serious smack of depression. Thought about reasons for living or not, felt trapped, got eight mouth sores, headaches, stiff neck, muscles didn't heal. I seem to be getting better and I have started a new med. there was no good reason for the bout, nothing I can link it to.
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December 1st, 2005
04:28 pm - Working out and the pick up artist community
New icon far more accuratley portrays my state. Darker, more frustration, more insane, not carrying a big stick. I'm trying to find more intensity, passion and will so it isn't just where I am but where I am headed.
Part 1 The search for things which used to make me happy. I remember happiness when I was strong and when I was talking with intellectual peers and superiors. I don't know where to find intellects short of rejoining mensa but mensa is expensive and the mensans in England were drunken cry babies. I just don't know how to find people while I am in such an anti social state. Strength however I can do on my own and have started to pursue again. Hopefully that feeling from the past can be regained.
Part 2 The interest I have developed in the seduction community. I like many signed up for the David Deangelo newsletters a few years ago at a time when I noticed how much i sucked with women. Not long after I became aware that there were quite a number of people teaching other people how to get laid. After a little searching I found a small collection of information and would pick it up and put it down for the next two years without trying a thing. Now I am reading a book by Neil Strauss called The Game and I love it. Plus a lot of the people sound like the sort I would identify with, interested in people, how they think, why they do the things they do and how that knowledge can be useful. Socially I'm a wreck and this seems like it might be a good ship to catch a ride on. It may be a strange choice considering how low my sexual drive is but I have to break out of this rut somehow and working out alone just won't do it.
The fog in my head is very present. Like clam chowder in that it’s thick opaque and fishy.
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November 27th, 2005
09:56 am
So things are a bit different, I'm back to the confused daze that is
my being in a confused daze. Which of course is really different. Uhh, yeah.
I feel trapped by the number of options I have and the confusion I feel over them all. Lots of freedom and no happiness. All the opprotunity in the world and no idea how to use it. Being good and kind and nice has not served me well. I have no girlfriend, no friends, no job, no future, no social life, no activities, no fun, no sex. Being nice has fucked me in the ass and the ear and a few holes I didn't know I had. So I nedd to change. As soon as I find out how I will start being evil and cruel and mean. The anger and desire I tried to do without are not the enemies of happiness, they are vital to it.
Scratch that. I think I've said all this before. Instead I won't wait till I know how, I start now.
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